there are those moments when you are at a low point and just hope it won’t get any worse. i’m just endlessly unluckily and i continue to drown. somehow “rock bottom” wasn’t deep enough. i really cannot have this get any worse. i have less than a week before i leave for winter break and right now my ability to cope is dwindling. i wish i knew what to do, but these externals are hard to tune out. i cannot take it out on myself, so i am at a loss. i honestly don’t know what i’d do if i fall any further. let’s just hope that doesn’t happen. it can’t happen.
i’ve been avoiding writing any sort of update on here. not only did i not know what to say, but anything i could’ve said i haven’t been sure how to say it. i haven’t said much since after that weekend. it has been three weeks. somewhere in that time my depression decided to go into overdrive. i’m guessing a week after. i haven’t had an episode like this since i was living in boston. i remember how that was. i know that it being finals and dealing with everything in my suite/room plays a part in this. i’ve been calling it “depressive stress”. my sleep schedule is off and i’m not getting adequate or proper sleep by any means. i wish i was eating healthy and staying active but that is not happening either. i have to go with whatever my mind craves or i won’t eat, as nothing else sounds appetizing. the depression has won this round, so i am not at the gym as often. the last time i worked out was a week ago. before that i was working out almost everyday. despite not really enjoying working out, i do miss being able to get myself to do that. this depression is my excuse for not working out. but then again my excuse for working out would be my eating disorder which is not any better than this. there is just so much going on. i can’t spend too long outside as my energy levels are lacking (which is why i haven’t been at the gym). the confines of my bed have been much more inviting. i just don’t have it in my to “participate” in life. this bout of lethargy can be suffocating. this is not the time for me to lose my motivation and go downhill. i leave in nine days to see my younger brother and i need the break from this place. i am going to try to just let all of this go. i will dive headfirst into anything that comes my way, whether it be anxiety provoking or not. i just need a clear space and better company. it will be comforting to be there. i don’t expect everything to go smoothly, as my depression doesn’t change with locations (i know that all too well), and not always with circumstances either. right now i can only hope to move forward and get my work done. this is my last week of classes for my first semester of graduate school. i still have my regular work shifts. then there is my last final which is my hardest one. i have to learn everything i’ve been lost on by the sixteenth. winter break can’t come soon enough. it has to.
i’ve posted some new writings on my writing blog. at least i was able to do something.
i don’t know what is stopping me from recovering. i just can’t seem to do it. i wish i knew why so i could fix all of this. i hate this, knowing why things are wrong and how to fix them but not being able to.