I don’t know how I feel right now.
I know I am sleep deprived but I cannot get myself to fall asleep.
I have eaten too much already and don’t even know what I’m hungry for anymore.
I know I’m depressed but I just don’t seem to care about anything anymore.
I can’t tell if I have a headache or if I am just numb.
I want this to end but I’m stuck in this sick game of seeing how far I can go and how much worse I can get.
I almost had a panic attack yesterday. I was seemingly told I may not be able to move this fall by my older brother. I immediately burst into tears telling myself “You can’t do this to me” and “I’m not staying here.” I was consoled not long afterwards by him saying that I could in fact move. It was such a relief. I really can’t stay here in Boston much longer. As much as I am terrified, I am excited to move to New York City. I have to move. I have to stop panicking about this summer, finding a job this summer, moving to New York, it working out or not, finding a job there, etc. It is all just wearing me out.
“I notice you, I want to say. Even when no one else does, I do. I will.”— David Levithan, Every Day
I don’t know who David Levithan is. I had to look him up. I have never heard of the book Every Day (as I found out David Levithan is an author) and had to look it up. All I know is I saw this quote on my Tumblr dashboard reblogged by a friend of mine. And all I know is I immediately felt a connection to it.
Those words, things I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone say to me, cause me to tremble. For so long the exact opposite of those words has been my ultimate goal in life. I vowed to myself as a teenager that I would become invisible, I would disappear. I knew it’s what everyone has always wanted. I grew up knowing that has been the case.
See in my family, you were noticed when you acted out or did something wrong. People were mad at you or disappointed in you when you misbehaved. It’s like that everywhere. But that’s where all the attention goes. In a grade school classroom you don’t perk your ears up when the teacher says someone got an “A” on an exam (unless it’s you, of course); mostly you’re just envious. You look up when a kid is called to the principal’s office, complete with stares and a class full of “oh’s” though.
I realized early on in my life that misbehaving meant unwanted reactions from others. Maybe my nonverbal learning disorder was at play, as I am always eager to make people happy or live up to expectations. Whatever it was, I noticed it. I didn’t want others to get mad at me, mostly because I never knew why they were mad at me. I never knew what I did wrong and I’d spend hours just trying to analyze what the hell I ever did to get someone disappointed in me. It always upset me being that frustrated asking myself “why” all the time.
I was also told when growing up how nice it was to not have to worry about me. It seemed like such a relief to others that I wasn’t doing anything of concern. “Nadia, we never have to worry about you” or “I’m so glad we don’t have to worry about you” was said a lot. In my head I took that as ‘We like not having to worry about you, thus we like not having to deal with you.’ I knew it, they didn’t want to deal with me. I was nothing more than a burden. For every time I misbehaved they had another problem, another thing to worry about. They specifically told me that they didn’t want that. And ever since I have been trying to achieve what they’ve always wanted.
I know rationally and logically that my brain warped their words into something they probably didn’t mean, but it has been with me for so long that I don’t remember much else. I don’t think I’ve ever vied for any one thing more in my life. Trying to live up to standards and make other people happy is all I have ever known.
It’s one thing that stops me from getting help because as much as getting help will appease others and maybe even make them happy, all I have known is that they’re happy when they don’t have to deal with me. It’s not that they don’t care but that worrying about someone takes time, energy, and effort. There is just not enough to go around. And if they get a break from that exhaustion because they are not worrying about me, then that can only be a good thing.
Sometimes when I have thoughts of suicide or am even suicidal I always come back to that. I think that life will be much better without me. No one will have to worry or deal with me and I’ll be less of a burden in their lives. I’ll be less stress they have to pile onto everything else they deal with.
I knew I was the “problem child”, and not because I was deviant but because I didn’t know how to be anything. With my learning disorder almost everything in this world is foreign to me. Having to rely on someone else to help me understand every little thing I don’t get can be tiring on another person. Most of the time they probably wondered why I couldn’t just understand things. I hated the fact that I couldn’t understand things. Well if I was eternally not going to understand things I either had to get rid of what I don’t understand or get rid of myself. The former isn’t quite impossible, so we have our answer.
It has always just made so much sense to me that people will find relief in not having to worry about others. I have had to worry about others and I never liked it. I know what dealing with anxiety feels like and I hate it. If I can understand where they’re coming from and make the decision that I don’t need to be here, it must be sane right? It’s not.
Something in my mind has convinced me that in order to make people happy I need to not be here, that I need to be nothing. I have to be “zero”. If that means I have to die, then it does. I am not going to die, but sometimes it crosses my mind that in death they will find happiness instead of not devastation.
I have no idea how to change this mindset. I don’t even know if simple words like that quote will make a difference to me. I don’t even know if someone said it that I would believe it due to the thoughts I have had ingrained in my mind for so long. I’d probably wonder if they were saying it just to say it or cheer me up or if they actually meant it. I don’t know how I would take it. I’d probably wonder “why”, why would they notice me, why do they care, etc. I always too scared to ask that question to others though for fear of a dishonest answer. I know for now I have to find a way to achieve making others happy while staying alive and in their lives. I am not sure how that will work, but in time answers will come, hopefully.
I slept from three in the afternoon to 1:30am. It’s close to five right now. Unfortunately I’ll miss another sunny, seventy degree weather day, but that’s what this sleep schedule does.